Leonardo DiCaprio Suffers From My Problems

Sometimes, it’s lonely out here on the whatever we’re calling the Internet these days. The Tubes? The Internets? Cyberspace? The Information Superhighway? Anyway, it gets lonely, particularly when you’re suffering from my particular ailment.

How do I put this gently? Women love me. But it isn’t so me, as it is my boyish good looks. They’re obsessed with how gorgeous I am, and they look past my soul. My ideas? My beliefs? My passions? They mean nothing to these lusting women, who see only my handsome face are so immediately overcome with passion that the rest of me couldn’t concern them less.

Just look at this picture of me:

When you’ve cooled off under your collar, you’ll be able to understand why I feel a certain kinship with poor Leonardo DiCaprio, who had to suffer through his selection of literally any woman he could ever want when he wasn’t busy swimming in his swimming pools full of money. It isn’t easy being us Leo, seriously.